crunch neck and boredom hits

I have to say I’m bored.
We are sitting here flipping through the channels on the TV and the things Rick and the kids watch don’t interest me at all.
And ninety percent of the time they don’t care to watch what I watch, so here I sit playing on the computer and bored.
It is so nice outside but the little black bug/knats are still biting and it is quite uncomfortable after a while.

I honestly feel like taking  a nap and that is only due to boredom.

Mirielle wants to go for a walk so I suppose we could do that.

The neck is feeling weird today…..I occasionally have to put it back as far as it can go and let it crunch together and finally snap to get it to feel right again.
And this is a day where I seem to have to do it more then once to get the air or whatever out of there and make it feel better.
Oh well…..at least I can make it feel better right?

Well I guess I’m off for a short walk with Mirielle.
Happy Sunday.

angels among us

I believe there are angels among us, sent down to us, from somewhere up above, they come to you and me, in our darkest hours……

this is a line from a song that the band “Alabama ” sang.
This is a old country band but every once and a while they play it on the radio.
It has been in my head for most of the day.
And it is true, there are angels among us and they are sitting on our shoulders, or shadowing us in some form.

I often feel like God is walking beside me too.

and of course HE answers my prayers daily.
I definitely feel like I am a very blessed woman.

feeling a little alone here!!!!!

No one is writing, and I’m feeling rather lost and alone in the writing world because none of my siblings are writing.

What am I to read if they don’t write?
HELLO?   IS ANYONE OUT THERE??????

over time

well I will be putting in about five hours of overtime on Friday night and while I need the money I have to say it will put a damper on the weekend.
I love that my weekend starts at three pm every Friday afternoon.
Now it won’t start till eight pm or later and that is rather a bummer.
Especially since I look forward to the weekend all week.
Do I sound like I am whining?
yes I am I know.
But……I gotta keep thinking of that extra money…….

and plug away until my weekend starts whenever I get done with work on Friday evening.

in the rabbit hole

looking back at the past and the mistakes I have made, makes me see the seriousness of the trouble my own children face or can get into and I wish I had that magic wand to keep them from having to live life with all its pains and heartaches.
But that isn’t very realistic is it?

I had to live through the headaches and heartaches so it is only natural (to me anyway) to want to prevent my children from making the same dumb mistakes I made.
Unless you are a parent you have no idea what I’m even talking about, I know.
However…..it is painful and heartbreaking to see your own child going through his or her own hell, by a choice they made or might make, or are living with a choice that someone else may make for them.

I try my hardest to be there  for my children and help them in anyway I can and even talk about my past, my mistakes and things I went through to maybe help them see that they aren’t alone, or that they could survive it and that maybe just maybe they might listen enough to try a better way.

one can’t mend a broken heart, not even I can do that, even though I wish I could.
one can’t pay for the bills that one made because they weren’t mature enough to know what they were doing, and did, despite all the parental advice I gave them.

looking back in the hour glass of time when I was their age, when I had my heart broken the first time, or made some foolish decision that made paying the bills that much harder……or any other number of things I see my children do that I try to talk them out of because I was their age once, I know what I am talking about.
But kids are of the mind that they are better then we are, they know more then we do….and it won’t happen to them.
I remember thinking those very thoughts when I was younger too.

It is my right, my privelege, my duty to try and give my children a better life, then what I had as a kid.
It is my honor to try and steer them into the direction they were meant to go……

and all I can do is hope and pray that something I said or did, will help them enough that they can live full happy lives with little or no pain and suffering for silly mistakes.

can anyone beat Clinton?

As I was logging on to wordpress, I saw a headline that read “Can anyone beat Clinton?” and there was a picture of Hillary there.

I didn’t read the article, but I can’t help but wonder if she is really that far ahead in the running?
I don’t think so myself…….
Does anyone really want a woman president?
Do they really think it is time for a woman to take office?
I’m not so sure.
I mean I suppose she might do a good job, anyone could do better then George W.   but I’m not sure a woman is ready to lead our country.
Maybe I am being unrealistic or maybe I am just too emotional myself and believe that most women are like me.

I think a man is more likely to be fearless…..more likely to do something unethical or down right nasty to get a job done, before a woman would.
I think women are soft and easily swayed and if someone dared threaten her family or her own life, I believe most women would back down.

Now I’m not trying to put down the female race.
I am very proud to be a woman, but there is no way I would want the job and the responsiblities of the president of the United States and I just don’t think a woman could do this job as well as a man does.
If I’m going to be criticized or berated for my beliefs so be it, but it is my opinion.

hello is anyone there?

Ever feel like you live in a vaccum and have no control over where this is going?
ever feel like life is passing you by?

ever feel like the world is revolving and you are just standing still and not moving with it?
Ever feel like the ho huminess of life is so unemotional that you are just wrapped in a blanket of nothingness?

ever feel like you must be losing your mind because the promise of tomorrow is just like it was  yesterday?

Or are you one of those people who love every moment of life?
love every sunrise and sunset?

love the cool breezes and warm summer nights?
Love every little thing that makes it all  the beautiful country that we live in?

Ever wonder if I wonder too much?

girl friends

I use to have girlfriends.
Women I worked with who I would go out and have drinks with, or hang out at their houses or even go to dinner with occasionally.
I enjoyed being with them, and I thought we were more then just work friends.
Well in the past three years all three of these women have moved on to different jobs.
And while I was a faithful email writer and even met with two of the three once after two of them left their jobs at the school, they weren’t as faithful as keeping out friendship alive.
I emailed my best friend of the three way back in May and I just got an email from her last week.
I didn’t answer it.
I was a bit miffed because frankly I think if we were as good of friends as she let on when we worked together she wouldn’t have waited four months to answer my email.
I got an email from another one of the three friends last week too and I didn’t answer that one either because she is frankly my least favorite of the three and she was one of those women who didn’t really care about what was going on in my life, but all she wanted to talk about was her problems and her life.
So….those three women who use to be my friends and often said to me that I was such a good friend to them, have moved on and I have no close friends now.
It is sad to say the least, however I’m not going to put myself out for these women and get nothing in return.
I miss the just hanging out and being goofy and just enjoying sharing our lives but….that is a thing of the past.
And I won’t lie, I’m a bit miffed and not so ready to put myself out there again.

so while I don’t have any really  friends anymore I miss it, and wish I did have one or two.

Dancing with the stars……..

I have to tell you that I’m not one for the reality TV shows that are on TV and have been on for the last few years.
I do however like Dancing with the stars….
I love it because it is wonderful dancing and it is something I would love to learn to do myself.
Of course it won’t ever happen because my husband would never ever go to dancing lessons and learn to cha cha or any of the other ball room dances.
However I get to dream a bit while I watch these professional dancers teach every day joes like you and me, to dance.
It is neat just to watch the various dances.
I love watching it.
And dreaming….

letting go

we all have those things we wish we hadn’t done.
those things we wish we could erase and pretend they never happened.
I am full of things I wish I could turn back the clock and do differently

however I fully believe that the mistakes I made when I was younger has made me the woman I am today.
I don’t trust easily and I don’t make friends easily.
I find it very hard to talk to someone of my deepest inner feelings.
People see what I want them to see and most don’t even bother to look beneath the surface.
But again maybe that is because I don’t allow them to?

Anyway I won’t lie to you, I have things in my past I have a hard time letting go of.
Mistakes I made or situations I got myself into that I can’t seem to forgive myself for.
I mean I’m not the brightest crayon in the box, I think I have admitted that a time or two.
I’m not saying I’m dumb but I have been an idoit a few times and I just cringe when I look back at some of those things.
Deep down I know the smartest thing to do is just to let it all go and chalk it up to growing up, and learning…..

but still I have a hard time doing that.
After all these years carrying the weight of being a illegetimate child still weighs on me.
It shouldn’t I know, but it always has and probably always will.

some of my choices I’m sure could be stemed from this constant weight of my birth, and I’m not a doctor but I can be fairly certain that they would agree with me.
I have had eight, (YIKES!!! )eight lovers and that alone makes me cringe with shame.
But I’m happy to say I’m a faithful wife and have been for a long time and that part of my past is over with, Thank God, now if only I could rid it out of my guilt packet.

there are so many things I need  to let go of.
And it is a constant struggle within me to do it.
Some days I do really well and some days it is like it all haunts me still…..

like walking down memory lane like I spoke of earlier makes me think of things I wish I could remove  the ugliness of my past, things I wish I could erase but need to learn to let go.