from my heart to yours

she doesn’t know it, but I love her more then I love my own life.
I’ve made horrific mistakes and she is probably the one who suffered the most from them.

I have always felt we have an invisable wall between us, even when we are together and she seems happy to see me.

I don’t know what to talk to her about.
I feel anything I say is not what she wants to hear.
She is smarter then I will ever be and I wonder how she came to abtain so much wisdom when I can’t seem to keep any knowledge in my head if I’m not using it every single day

she loses me in the knowledge she has, because let’s face it, I’m not the smartest crayon in the box.

she definitely gets her brains from her father.

she has a closeness with him that I will never have with her.

and I know that is my own doing.

I regret so badly the pain I caused her when she was a child….I regret not being a better mother to her….

if I could take it all back I would in a heart beat, although I have to say in my own defense….all of that from the past makes me a better person today and makes me also appreciate what I have now.

I have a very good close relationship with my youngest daughter and I wish I could have that with my eldest.
Maybe one day …..
I can only hope and pray for it….

If it helps her to know, I realize now that her father is ten times a better man then any other around.

because of his goodness he makes me want to be a better person too.
And I’m very grateful and yes even lucky to have gotten a second chance with him.

But I realize she may think this is all words…..

and I know too I can’t do anything to convince her otherwise.

They say you can’t go back…that once a bridge is burnt there is no crossing back to what was…..

but I hope and pray some day we can…..

I love her very much.
And I hope if she doesn’t believe anything else I’ve written, she does believe that.