tired so very very tired

I’m sick of it….all of it.
I’m sick of working all of the time, I’m sick of picking up pieces of my childrens bills and putting myself further and further in dept.
I’m sick of doing all the work and Rick doesn’t work a second job too.
I am very tired of never having any money.
Today if there was a cliff close by I would drive right off of it.
No kidding.
I am at my rope’s end….

and I’m tired of it all…..

what to do?

well it is decision time again and while the decision doesn’t have to be made today, it is something to think about.
We are going to be having to make a decision on what to do with our four bedroom house.

Should we move back to it, since really it is the  better of the two houses, or should we sell it and stay here

There are various reasons to move back to the other place.
It is already ours as long as we pay the payment.
It will be paid for in thirteen years.
It has new plumbing, new roof, new wiring and this one doesn’t have any of that.

and for other reasons we just have to think about what we want to do……

I would prefer to never move again, however weighing the pros and cons…..in the favor of should we or shouldn’t we…..it is leaning heavily to that we should move back to the other house and sell this one…..

Unfortunately

well we have decided not to make the trip to Wyoming afterall this year.
It is sad, and I hate it but none of us can really afford it so why do it?
It isn’t like Wyoming is going anywhere any way.

So unfortunately we won’t be making the trip.
I am however still going to take the vacation time simply because I have so much to do and there never seems to be enough time to do it all.

Wyoming without Paula

I just recieved an email from Paula saying she can’t partake in our Wyoming adventure.
It saddens me greatly because it would have been fun to have some one on one time with her.
But due to money issues I can totally understand why she can’t make it.
There is never enough money.
Still hopefully we can get some awesome pictures and share them with her in the future

I still am going to see if Emily wants to go but I doubt she will so…it will just be me, Kathy and Carolyn.
Still should be a fun time.
NOT as much fun as having Paula with us, but….guess we have to make due.

I need

I need a happy healthy family
I need a job to make ends meet.
I need the people I love around me and to love me.
I need a vacation once or twice a year…
I need to have a feeling of self worth

I need to find things that keep me entertained, my yard, working in the dirt and my friends

I need to eat, and breathe of course and there isn’t much I feel like I actually want that I don’t need.

I want

I want a job I enjoy
I want to work one job
I want to be able to become published one day.
I want to go back to school

I want to have a happy family

I want a bug free world, especially no knats, mosquitoes and or flys

I want my siblings to be happy as well.

I want enough money to have a good vacation once or twice a year

I want there to be a world where things are good and people are happy with each other

but what I need is just a good job, my health and those I love around me.

Memorial Day and Tonyia’s birthday

Today is Memorial  Day and we are all suppose to pay tribute to the veterans who has served our America.
We are having the kids over for hamburgars and hotdogs.
That isn’t anything unusual because we do tend to do that occasionally this summer already.

Today is also Tonyia’s birthday.
33 I believe.
To be that young again.

Of course when I was that young I was going through a turmoil that I wouldn’t care to go through again.

Anyway happy Memorial Day to all.
Hopefully the weather will cooperate for all the outdoor events.

on the inside looking out

does anyone really know any body?
Does anyone know what another person really thinks and feels?

on the outside of life, people show what they want people to see.
On the inside where no one else can see, I wonder how a person thinks or feels.
We all try to put our best faces on so to speak.
Show what we can only assume what people want to see.
Most people do this anyway.
I myself  am one of the those people who show only a best face and don’t show anybody the real me.
 

but I wonder how many people actually are  happy and show that or are happy just because it is something they know all others want to see.

We had a talk last night when my sister’s were here about depression.
And while I think I am fairly happy undepressed person, I do wonder what have I showed people all these years for them to think I am so well put together?

I have my moments like everyone else.
I have my down days and on occasion have felt like ending my life would be the answer.
I have never even attempted to move forward with those thoughts because of my kids and grandchildren.
But I think it is funny how people see what they want to see in a person

and things they don’t want to see, they just over look.

I suppose I’m guilty of it myself too but I try to listen and really watch a person to get to know the inside of them.
and not just want they are projecting on the outside.

Still while I’m on the inside looking out…..I know that no one on this earth really knows everything about me.
And I suppose in many ways that is a good thing, but in some ways it is lonely too.

If it walks like a duck……..

sometimes it is hard to see the writing on the wall.
Sometimes I am in denial or someone I love dearly is in denial.
The saying is, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then obviously it is a duck.

but us meer mortals just don’t seem to get things even though the facts are right there in our faces.

trust is a main issue in a relationship, and my youngest child has a hard time with that concerning male friends.
I can talk with her and try and get her to see things from a different point of view but she has to be the one to learn to trust.
I know once it is broken it is hard to get it back.
However…..she can’t let go of the pains of the past.

And this guy, isn’t the one who broke her heart…….

When  a person does the same things over and over and expect the outcome to be different this time then it was last time……

is another incident of facts staring them in the face and they are either too blind or want to believe in something too much to see the facts.

faith is a wonderful thing and it is hard to come by and harder still to believe in when someone gets hurt and finds things almost unbearable to deal with.
Still…….one must learn to trust and believe if they are to be happy and have a good relationship.
But again…if it walks like a duck……things can’t be denied.

sister time, Wyoming and Keira

My sister’s came down yesterday afternoon.
Well three of the five I have.
And we talked about Wyoming and our plans, food to take and such.
Then we talked about everything and anything.
it was an enjoyable time.
IN five weeks we will be heading towards Wyoming.
Orginally I thought we would leave on the 28th, but Paula has to come up from her place and we have to go to La Mars to get Carolyn so….we won’t be leaving until that Sunday morning.
Can’t get here soon enough, but since I don’t havce all the things I need or the money to go I need to wait until I do.

Keira has been here since Friday night and she just went home.
I love her so very much I just can’t even discribe the wonderfullness of being a grandma but I know I Have said that dozens of times.

She is my sunshine.
She keeps me sane.
She is just my little love bug and I adore her so much.

We will probably go out to eat here in a bit and then I have to be at work at two.
I don’t really mind going to work because it is a crappy rainy day.
If it was very sunhiney and warm I would mind.
However I need the money so…..I guess it is best I have to go.

anyway Happy Sunday to all.