burning the candle at both ends…..

this is how I feel….I feel like I’m burning the candle at both ends.
Working my life away and never having enough down time in the middle of it all….

I’m tired.
Very tired.
I get so tired sometimes that I swear I hate life when in all reality I hate my day job and wish I was able to find something better.
But alas….with my age and little or no skills…..I’m stuck….

ideally I should find a job I like and just make it work….after we get the other house paid off or someone buying it that is.

well it is a beautiful day out and while I feel like i could take a nap…..I should go outside and enjoy the rest of this day…..

Family

things……one can never see, or describe…….or even to begin to explain to someone who doesn’t have it, …..the emptyiness that they must feel yet can’t possibly know about because they have not ever known what it is like to wear your heart on your sleeve from the moment your first child is born, to the day that you die.

wow….that is a long sentence, which of course anyone who knows the English language (a english teacher, my sisters Cyndi, or Kathy) will say it isn’t a sentence but just a long winded form of words.

But I talked to a man a few weeks ago, who is a janitor at the high school here in town (and believe it or not was a custodian when I was in high school too!) who told me he has never had a child.
And all I can think of is….how sad for him.
To not know the wonderful feeling of knowing you have that child’s blood flowing through them.

That half of what they look like has to do with you….or someone in your long line of heritage

to hold that incredible child….to know they came from your body, your blood…..is a feeling that is beyond incredible.
And then to top it all off…..when your child has a child…..the totally awesome wonderful feeling!!!
And this man who has never had a child, doesn’t have a clue.

I have thought, maybe people don’t have children because they think the world is too populated  to have more.
Or that the world is too crazy to bring a innocent child into it.
OR they are just too selfish…..too involved with themselves…..to not even consider putting someone before themselves…..

But each person who hasn’t had a child…..they can’t have a clue…..not one clue on how empty their lives are without children and grandchildren……..

Because I worked a nineteen hour day yesterday, we didn’t get to have Keira.

And I got home at eleven thirty last night……and crawled into bed at midnight….and had a very hard time falling asleep because I wanted my precious grand daughter next to me and she wasn’t there.
I had a physical ache…..inside of me…..because she wasn’t there……

Now some one may say…..I don’t have a fullfilling enough career…..or life……to have so much of my life wrapped around my family and grandchild…..

and if they think that, go ahead and think it……but my children, my FAMILY….my grandchildren…..are my everything.

Keira and Crystal went to a birthday party today and Matt went out to eat with us.
I told Matt, “Want to know the greatest thing in my life?”  and he smiled and said “My daughter?” and I said “None other”

I adore that child.
I can’t even describe how much I adore that child.
I can’t explain how much of a huge impact this child has been on my life…..
I love her so much.
I am wrapped around her little finger.

My sister Cyndi has said to me just recently…..”You really are crazy about Keira aren’t you?”
And I’m beyond crazy
I am wildly in love with my little baby girl
And to think……in five months I will get another little grand child.

Does life get better then this?????

The Tenth Circle

This was a movie on Lifetime and I have to say it does make a person wonder.
That someone’s choices and decisions can alter the people’s lives around them so much, and they have no clue, what they are doing until the final show……and by then it was way too late
It is almost like the domino affect……once something starts rolling there is no stopping it.
The movie wasn’t great…..but it did make me think.

There is so many people (myself included) that have done selfish things without any thought to who they could or would hurt.
And unfortunately……when all the balls in the air that they have been juggling…..start falling…..it all comes crashing down….

Kelly Preston played the mother of the main character and she did a pretty good job.
It is nice to see her acting again at any rate.

 

Sunday afternoon

another weekend almost over with.
I sure picked the wrong day to work a nineteen hour day.
Yesterday was sunny and beautiful weather wise and today is cool and breezy and rainy

darn it.
The sun comes out every now and again but not very often and it is quite cool.

 

we are watching “Brokeback Mountain” because Kathy hasn’t seen it.
We are going to watch movies this afternoon since the weather is too cool to sun bathe.

Friday is suppose to be nice though and eighty with a lot of sun so I will get my sunbathing in there.

we would be heading towards Wyoming today IF we hadn’t canceled our trip.
Darn it, why did we cancel it?
Because we were stupid.
We would probably be in South Dakota or on the other side of it by now.

How I wish we hadn’t canceled it.

The scenes in “Brokeback Mountain” are beautiful and we could be there seeing it, darn it.

oh well, maybe some day……

 

 

tired of all of this crap……

I’m tired of struggling to make ends meet.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one working my tail off to make ends meet.
I specifically asked my husband if he could help out with something and his response was “I only have five hours of overtime, so no I can’t help you”

I mentioned the few hundreds of dollars he has extra a paycheck and he gave me no response.

I may as well be living by myself for all the freaking help I get with all of this dept.
I’m sick of it.

Sometimes I feel like it would just be better to run away and give it all up.
I’m sick of it all.

nineteen hour day….

gosh I’m tired.
Just got off of work from working a nineteen hour day.
I may have sat down for thirty minutes of that time.
I am achy all over and literally am grateful that I don’t have to be back there until next Saturday.
I’m exhausted.
Think it is about time for bed.
I’ve been up for twenty hours.
Ugh.

where is everyone??????

I’m at a total loss.
My brother has blogged for a week and neither has his wife.
Where are they??????

My sister Cyndi has blogged a few times this week but not every day and Kathy doesn’t blog every day either.

I wonder where every is and why I am the only faithful blogger????
Do they lead a more exciting life then I do?????
Obviously????

it is depressing to keep checking their blogs and they don’t write!!!!

one day closer to the weekend….

well it is Thursday evening, afternoon really
It has been cool all day which I love and raining off and on, which we don’t need, but I don’t mind getting.

Tomorrow is Friday and while I work every weekend adn really don’t care…..Tom is gone from work so that makes it great for me

Just to have the place to myself will be great.

Next week my sister will have a new grand child.
I hope it is a little girl for her sake, but am betting it will be another boy.
I hope I’m wrong.

My nephew was my hon when we were little kids.
I was twelve when he was born so he kind of looked up to me as I took care of him while my sister worked.
He and his wife already have one son and will have the new baby early next week.
I hope it all goes well for him

My youngest sister is moving, but doesn’t know to where yet.
but they definitely will have to be moved out by next Friday, a week from tomorrow.

It is my youngest daughter’s weekend to work so that means I won’t see much of her since she has to be at work at two and I don’t get off until two.
The 4th is coming next Friday too but she has to work.
But I will get to sleep late, that day.

(Gotta look for the little things in life)

I hope to see my Keira tonight but it is hard to say weather I will be able to or not.

Mirielle and Brian will be here in a bit….
Kathy isn’t home yet either but should be shortly.

 

No plans for the evening other then doing what I always do and that is bumming.

But I’m tired from working today so….guess bumming is allowed.

I should fix something decent for supper but what??????
always the question.
What to have?
WE need to get groceries.

Haven’t heard or spoken to my oldest daughter since late April I believe.
I should try to call her again but since she doesn’t put forth the effort to call me, I wonder why I should bother.
Still I am her mother and I do love her so maybe I should just email her that and maybe by some small chance she might write.
one can only hope……

 

my next vacation

well the girls and I were suppose to head to Wyoming on Saturday but because we decided none of us could really afford it, we aren’t going.
So….I am thinking where will I go next.
I love the ocean but I think we need to let Florida have a rest and go some place new.

My husband wants to go to Las Vegas to see his sister….
So I suppose the next vacation will be there.
It won’t be for at least nine months to a year because frankly we can’t afford it.
I have so many other things going on ….the wedding…..the new grand child…..then Christmas…..it is never ending…..so I will have to save quite a bit of money for a trip to Las Vegas.
Vegas doesn’t appeal to me at all.
But the Grand Canyon isn’t far from there and also the Hoover Dam is close by too.
It will be nice to see his sister and her husband too…..

because I doubt they will ever make it back here……

so….I have to pick out a time and decide when to go and plan for it.
Gotta have a vacation on the horizon…..otherwise I feel like I’m just floating a long and have nothing to strive for…….

my girls

both grand daughters were here tonight.
Mirielle comes every evening but Keira hasn’t been here since Sunday.
They have gone over a week without seeing eachother.
But they tend to have a problem with eachother
Mirielle doesn’t understand why Keira won’t follow the rules and Keira is concerned that Mirielle hits her or bumps in to her or does something that offends her.
They play well for two or three minutes and then one of them has a complaint.
I to to where I just sat in there with them and watched them to make sure they played nicely.

Mirielle likes to be boss and likes things her way.
IF Keira doesn’t do what she wants, Mirielle tries forcing her to.
Keira doesn’t understand that she is doing something to upset Mirielle and just knows she doesn’t want Mirielle in her face.
In time Keira will learn to stick up for herself and Mirielle will learn that not everything can go her way.
I try and explain to Mirielle that Keira is three years younger then she is, but even her smart little five year old mind can’t grasp the concept completely.

I told Keira she had to stop being so babyish and to toughen up a bit but she is only two and you can’t expect her to understand either.

Still it is a process and they will have to learn to give and take like any other two children learn to do.